beeflatklarinet

"To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong." -Joseph Chilton Pearce

This one hits close to home for me in so many ways. In the performance aspect, I think it's highly important. There's a point where you need to stop worrying about the technical things and just let the performance happen. Know that you are there to entertain the audience and that they are there to enjoy your performance. It's not a critique. Instead of thinking, "Oh my gosh, I have to perform music in front of other musicians and they'll judge me because they'll know all the mistakes I make," try to think, "Cool. I get to perform in front of musicians. They've been here before and they know what I'm going through."
I recently had a friend give a recital. She played really well, but her stage presence wasn't so great. She never smiled, her bows were minimal, quick, and meek, and everything about how she held herself and conducted herself was very apologetic as if she were sorry that we had to come and listen to her. She played wonderfully and she has grown as a player sooo much. She should want to share that with us. I think too many of us get in this rut where we think we are burdening our audience by making them listen to us. If they didn't want to be there and listen to us, they wouldn't be. I don't go to concerts to scoff at musicians. I go there to support them.

This quote is also applied to something else in my life: my personality and my life goals. I was in a relationship at one time where I wasn't being fully supported for my music (financially I understand, but I wasn't getting it emotionally either) and it was really hard on me. I think that doing what you love and trying to make a living off of it is scary, of course because there's a chance that you will fail at it, but how would you feel if you never even tried. "Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game." In my relationship, my other half was a good musician in a completely different genre, and he had a lot of potential, but was too scared of failing that he never took the jump. It made me feel horrible that I DID take the jump... and by myself.
Now, my man isn't a musician. There are a lot of things he doesn't understand about music. He is a recital rookie and decides to say silly things that almost get put onto recordings, but... he supports me morally and emotionally. He has faith that I can make it, and he thinks that I am talented enough that, even if I have a slip-up and I can't do it, I could find a different job to survive on. He is helping me "follow my bliss". It's not easy, but it's far more rewarding in the end.
So, I know I will make mistakes at performances and I know that sometimes I will make poor financial decisions based on my labor of passion (music), but that will not keep me from continuing to try and to grow as a person and a musician.
Many great minds and talents of the past weren't considered such right away. Many were outcasts because of their craft, but... that doesn't make them less great. If they had been afraid, we wouldn't be in the creative world (with even greater creative potential) that we are today.

Well, it's official. I'm going to SDSU for GradSchool... with scholarships! YAY! Unfortunately, I have to take 4 summer classes and then 3 GEs along with 110B in the fall, but... with the prospect of getting out of Sacramento, living closer to the beach, and going to grad school where I don't have to deal with non-music classes, it makes it easier to drive me a little bit to get stuff done.

I'm in much of a need of a break from Sacramento. I'm tired of always being sick because of the climate here. I'm tired of some of the attitudes of people here, but I will miss other people dearly, but... this is what I've wanted for so long. Live near the beach, play my music, be closer to my guy. Things are starting to look up for me finally, though it's still an uphill battle for a while.

Also, I'm still trying to sell my car and my mom's car. My mom's is here with me and running just fine and I'd like to get it sold ASAP. Mine is at the mechanic again because they're dicking us around. Don't ever go to Lee's Automotive in Rancho Cordova. We wouldn't be dealing with them except that we're trying to get them to fix the problems that they created, so that we don't have to go pay for somebody else to do it. Anyway, I don't want to sell the car to any of you because I don't want to sell it to somebody that I know. I don't trust it enough to do that to anybody.

Gotta' go be productive.
Woohoo! Gotta' love Saturdays... time to do all the stuff you didn't get done during the week!
-B

I'm overwhelmed. If it were just the music, I could handle it, but it's not. It's the drama, the lack of a positive atmosphere, the loss of my car, etc that is all building up for my inevitable demise.

Why can't people just be respectful of others? Even if you know you're a badass, do you have to assume that everybody else sucks so much? Even if you dislike somebody, do you need to talk shit about them all the time? Sometimes I hate musicians. I'm glad that my boy is out of the department.

Yes, I have a boyfriend, for those of you who didn't know. He's wonderful and awsome, and really the one main thing that's been keeping me going. When I doubt myself or think about doing something other than music, he reassures me and makes me realize that I couldn't be happy doing anything else. He's wonderful. Too bad he lives so far away and I won't be graduating quite as soon as I had anticipated.

If anybody knows anybody who would like to buy a 4runner, I've got two for sale. Trying to sell them soon. I'm trying to get a new car with a WARRANTY, and I need a decent down-payment for it. It sucks that I'm gonna' have car payments, but it will feel nice to know that I'm covered... and it will be better on gas for those trips down to SoCal. :P

Recital coming up soon! I hope a decent amount of people show up. April 6th. 7pm. CSUS, Capistrano Hall

"The position of the artist is humble. He is essentially a channel." -Piet Mondrian

I posted something about this on myspace because I have a lot more friends on there that actually read things, but I thought I'd put it here too.

This is from a book that Deb gave me at my Junior Recital. I just started getting into it again. It's a really good book, though somewhat abstract at times (though, that is often what we need).

This quote comes from the introduction section of the book where she is talking about "God" and what that means to different people, and how she means for you to take it in this book. She says if you cannot think of a definition for yourself, to use it as an acronym meaning "Good Orderly Direction". You call it what you want. "God is useful shorthand for many of us, but so is Goddess, Mind, Universe, Source and Higher Power... The point is not what you name it. The point is that you try using it. For many of us, thinking of it as a form of spiritual electricity has been a very useful jumping-off place." Julia Cameron, Author of The Artist's Way

With this explanation of God, I totally agree that artists of all sorts are indeed "channels". I know that I am. I rarely feel like a creative idea is my own, and even when it seems to be, it comes from a part of me that I don't know. A part of me that I can't consciously connect with. So, I guess my task now is to allow myself to be the open channel that I need to be. Sometimes that will be scary, and frustrating to think that maybe I don't deserve some of the credit that I might receive, but I think, in the long run, it will be a far healthier point of view for me to keep.

So, it started with my three-year anniversary coming up, and me planning a 3-day getaway for that. Instead, Travis and I broke up... yes, ON our anniversary. I have spent my time since then moving to a new place. For all who are concerned, it was not an angry break-up, and we are still great friends. I trust him so much, and I know he does me too... We also still care about eachother a lot, but our lives are going in different directions right now, and we need some time to be separate before we even consider having a relationship again. Maybe some day down the road we'll get back together... if not, I have a friend for life.

I have been moving into a friend's house, and it's kinda' under construction, so we're missing a wall to one of the rooms, and we have concrete throughout the house. It's very interesting to me to be living in this condition... it's dirty and cluttered, but I'm getting used to it, and it's starting to feel like "home". There are three stinky dogs that live here, but they're so cute, I ignore their stinkiness. I tried giving them baths today, but it was kinda' pointless. They need their fur cut and no matter how much shampoo I put on the little mongrels, the fleas are still there. They just need to go to a real dog groomer and get the shit done. I feel really bad for the pups though, because they have some sores from scratching so much. DAMN FLEAS!

Anyway, I have to go teach a clarinet lesson now, and I would promise to update more later, but I know that probably won't happen because I'm a lazy brat. :P

So, work kinda' sucks. Basically, my manager is mad at me for requesting concert days off and says that I should work on the days I don't have school, and that I should tell her all my concert dates like 3 months in advance, and shouldn't have as many.... I guess I'll be looking for a new job. Anybody know anybody hiring that's a little more... music-friendly?

I feel bad because I know some friends applied there in the hopes of working with me, but now I might leave... plus, with my track-record, I'm sure my boss won't be hiring another music-major anyway. That's cool though. Maybe we can all work at Target together or something. (That's where I'm going to apply when I get a chance.)

Anyway, I've come to the grand conclusion that I am officially a fat ass, so I'm gonna' do something about it... eventhough it's just a little and probably won't help anyway.

Goodnight world!

That's right... I'm updating. What a surprise, eh? Well, I feel the need to write for a couple of reasons... some of which I can't place myself, but oh well. :P

My main reason for posting is this: I GOT THE JOB!!!!! Yay for me. I will be working at Nordstrom Rack 2-3 days a week to start off. I might get more later, but for now, that's all I need. I'll be making 9.25/hr, which isn't bad for starters. I also get 20% off of everything (even things already discounted). YAY For me... again!

This means a couple things however:
1) i will not be around school quite as much
2) i won't have much free time to do with people
3) i will be asked a billion times for my discount, but I'm warning right now that I need to be careful with it until i'm fairly well situated in the company
4) i'll finally be able to pay the wonderfully patient David P. back
5) i will have money again... eventually... after i take care of some things first

YAY FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The other thing is that I started reading again last night. I have this weird problem that whenever I do something... i overdo it. I'm a fanatic like that I guess. So, I started this new book last night, and as of right now, I'm half-way done with it (and it ain't short). I have no self control when it comes to that kind of stuff. I put my homework and chores lower than my current addiction, and I need to start being careful about it, but it could be worse than reading i guess.... at least i'm not addicted to something really filthy or life-threatening :P

Talking of this makes me want to read... and because I have no self control... i shall read until my heart is content... at least for tonight. :P

I just realized I haven't posted or looked on here in a while and decided to get some things out about what's been going on with ME!
I have a myspace account, but that's really more a "social" thing, and this is really more "personal". I don't compare one over the other because they are different. With that said, I will now rant and rave, and say whatever the heck I want because this is MY livejournal and you don't have to look at it if you don't like it.

As some know, I've been sick for a few weeks now. Bronchitis and a Sinus Infection hit hard when they're doing a tag-team on your immune system. I feel like shit and I can't seem to better the situation. I got some antibiotics, but they haven't been helping all that much. They're really strong, and they put a HIDEOUS taste in my mouth that I can't seem to get rid of. I'm told the taste is because the antibiotics kill the bacteria in your system (both bad and good kinds) and that most likely, the good kind is being killed off, and I'm left with a really putrid "blood-rust-bakingsoda-bitter" taste. I wasn't gonna' do anything about it. I was gonna' be a big girl and ignore it, but I can't get away from it and it's absolutely disgusting. I was told to try to eat yogurt because it will restore the good bacteria, but so far it hasn't helped. I spoke with my mom today and she was like "yeah, I had that problem with an antibiotic before too. It was called 'Bioxin'. What's yours?" Yes, mine is Bioxin too. It's a really very strong antibiotic and is taken in heavy dosages. So, if you get sick (and I pray nobody does, but "if") and you need anti-biotics, and your Dr. prescribes this Bioxin bullshit... ask him/her to politely reconsider.

So... besides me being sick, I've been pretty lazy at my house. I've needed a lot of rest, but (as you can tell from a 1:30 am post) I haven't been able to get much actual sleep, but oh well... I make it through the day. I have so many chores to do, but I can't seem to find the energy to do them, and they're just piling up, stressing me out even more and making it harder to recuperate.

On a better note (i.e. a B-flat... harhar... such a music nerd) I had a really good warm-up session and a really good lesson today. I'm done with my recital now, so it's time to move on to new and exciting territory. I worked a LOT on technical stuff today: Breathing, hand position, finger "mechanics", and such. It's frustrating sometimes because I feel like it's a step backwards from what I should be doing after a recital, but I know it's really gonna' benefit me so much later.

I was excited to learn, during my lesson, that my teacher is really proud of the work I've done this semester. She told me she was taking a big chance having someone transfer directly as a junior and giving a recital right away, because she honestly didn't know much about my playing. I played ONE piece... just one, for my entry audition, and she used that to base EVERYTHING else off of. One 6 minute piece was used as my entry audition and (unknowingly) my Recital Prep. She said that there has only been one other time where's she's let somebody transfer right as a junior, and that's she's very pleased with me, and she can see that she made the right decision in allowing me to perform my recital this semester.

So, that was a big ego boost, which was nice... especially since I've been feeling so shitty lately. Now, I get to start looking into uncharted territory and find some things that I might possibly play for my Senior Recital. So far, I'm starting with Brahms 2nd Sonata. Anybody else have a favorite that they'd suggest? I was thinking the Debussy, but that's been done quiet a bit at CSUS recently, so I'm not sure yet if I wanna' go for that. I was also thinking of the Mozart Concerto, but I'm not sure if I really wanna' do that for my senior recital. I think I'd really rather do that one all-out with an orchestra. Don't know why really... just want to.

Anyway... I'm gonna' go do laundry or re-organize my shampoo bottles. :P I just can't sleep... I'm tired as hell, but just can't do it. So... instead, I leave you (my poor defensless readers) to completely waste your time with my nonsense and babbling. ENJOY!!!

I hate this nonsense! I'm getting ready for my recital... emotionally and musically. Why isn't that enough? I have a house to clean, I'm sick as shit, I have to write music for Garbeau's (which i really just don't have the drive to do right now), and I have to work on my stupid pieces for the Folsom Symphony, and school orchestra, and ... ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH! I love the life of a music major, and I don't mind being busy, I just would like help with other things like money and cleaning... and not being freakin' SICK!

To make matters worse .... I'm out of Zicam because I let my boyfriend use it when he was sick... and I'm almost out of Airborne, but it's kinda' late for that. Piss on the sickness!!!!!!!

Sleep sounds good. Good like the smell of the popcorn my roommate just made. Good like the colors of the clouds outside right now. Good like my kitty curled up on my lap.
As good as it sounds, it's just too far away, and I have little hope of it. As good as it sounds, I don't want to partake because I have far too many responsibilities to attend to. Damn being a grown-up! If I wear diapers again, can I shirk responsibilities? I think it might almost be worth it sometimes. I'll drink from a bottle ALL the damn time if somebody would pay my bills. I will eat liquified food if somebody would do my laundry for me.
I think I'm just desparate to be anything but me right now. :P